It is guaranteed that we will
all, at some time or another, be hurt by someone we care deeply for. I think that those hurts are often the
hardest to deal with as they cut the deepest.
These hurts we carry with us, and when other people say things to us
(which we can easily deal with on a normal day), it is like rubbing salt into our
bleeding wounds. This can make us react
to them harshly, and they feel like – “Chill! What did I say?!”
We have to deal with these hurts
or they will cripple us, stop us from being all that we are meant to be, hamper
us from reaching our full potential. But
the burning question is “How do I forgive
someone when they have hurt me so badly?”
Here is my personal journey that
God led me on to reach forgiveness and understand the process that brings you
there.
I grew up with an alcoholic
father. Throughout my childhood I could
only recall the memories that hurt and I was consumed with anger and hate
towards him. When I went off to college,
I was confronted by God about my need to forgive my dad. I remember sitting under a tree and arguing
with God. He did not deserve my
forgiveness, why should I be the one to do it, he must come and say sorry to me
… and so I gave God every reason why I was not going to forgive him.
I knew I was broken and that the
pain was festering inside me, but the thought of letting go and forgiving him
felt like I was letting him off the hook!
Look how I was hurt!!! Oh, how I rationalised and argued, and in the end,
when I reached the bottom, I cried and simply asked “How? How do I forgive someone after so many years of anger?”
One of the many lessons that I
have learnt through the years, is that God is very practical. I love that He led me through this process so
gently and did not say flat word like “just it let go”. It is not always easy to let go of the feelings
you have especially after many years.
But God did not tell me to stop feeling, He took me in a very
interesting direction.
God told me to show
my father the respect that his position required. Huh? I was confused. How do I
show him respect? So God taught me about
my actions – I must show my dad respect through my actions, through what I do.
The first thing I did when I saw
my dad, was I greeted him with a hug. I
can tell you that that was the hardest thing I forced myself to do at that
time. It was a very awkward hug, and my
dad was taken back and even uncomfortable with it. I tried my best to not fight with him, speak
rudely to him, be kind and generous, and generally show him respect through my
actions. This is when the most amazing
thing began to happen.
My dad began to respond to my
actions. He would give me a big hug in
return, we fought less, he showed me the love I so desperately wanted. The more I showed him respect, the more positive
response I got, until the hate slowly began to thaw and I could feel love for
him growing inside me. One day I woke up
and the anger and hate was gone, and there was love in its place.
Please understand that this was
not a quick process. This took almost a
year to get to that place. The old
feelings did not vanish overnight; it had to be slowly rooted out of my soul –
every last weed – before I was truly free. Each action of love tore out a bad
root, and each action of love I received in return filled that hole with a new
seed of love to grow.
I remember the day I realised
that I really love my daddy and was not angry with him anymore. I sat at the foot of his bed one morning and
told him that I forgive him and love him.
That was all I said. I did not
elaborate or explain, just said: “Daddy, I forgive you. I love you.” And then I
cried. Amazingly my dad did not say anything, he just cried too. I realised he needed that release as much as
I did.
We never said anything more after
that. I love my dad and we share a
lovely father/daughter relationship. He
is still an alcoholic. But my love is not based on his actions anymore, I love
the man even if his actions make me cross.
This is how I learnt about the
process of forgiveness. I knew I had to
forgive (mind), but it was through my actions that the process started. The result began to change my heart
(emotions), which reinforced my decision to forgive, which encouraged my
continual actions, which continued to change my heart … and so it went on until
the day I realised that my emotions were free from the chains of unforgiveness.
Now when I look back on my
childhood, I remember the good memories and fun times we had. I am amazed how
my anger had so clouded my memory as to not remember those times. Now that the
clouds are gone, I can see the full picture.
Yes, I remember the bad times, the memories will always be there, but
they don’t hurt in my soul anymore. The
hurt has been healed even if the scar remains. I now see that all of my memories,
both good and sad, have helped me to grow into the woman I am today.
We all face different situations
that cause us pain, and we all know that we should forgive so that we can be
free – it is important for your life and future. How can you change your actions today to start that process of
forgiveness?
I pray that you will make forgiveness
a priority in your life so that you can grow and be all that you were made to
be.
Blessings.
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